Three hundred and sixteen dollars. That’s how much I spent on my gear. Now, in theory, that’s not a lot of money. But really – it’s not a little bit either. I thought, just for fun (and to help dry my tears of post-shopping sorrow), that I would look at all the other things I could have bought for three hundred and sixteen dollars.
10748 Black Cherry gum balls
Ten thousand, seven hundred, and forty eight gum balls. I could, like some sort of humanoid insect, chew all day, to create a sort of hardened paste with which to line my room, protecting me from the dangers outside. Or, I could – very practically – consider myself owner of a lifetime supply of gumballs (factoring a starting chew rate of one per day, with a 5% monthly drop off as the novelty wears thin.) More realistically though, I could pull some fantastic, and unappreciated, pranks.
11 cases of Red Cap
While this might not seem to be the most novel suggestion, it’s still worth noting. With eleven cases of beer, I could watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy without complaining once. I could probably make it through the Denise Richards: It’s Complicated marathon, courtesy of Rogers On Demand Channel 100, remaining interested the whole time. Why with eleven cases of Red Cap, I’d have enough beer to last through my winter hibernation. And wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing?
2 dozen toy guns
With three hundred and sixteen dollars, not only could I buy well over two dozen two guns, but I could also guy a gun rack to facilitate the proper display of these items. All future visitors would marvel at my collection of “Modern Police Style Toy Gun”, proudly mounted beside the “Frontier Toy Flint Lock Cap Pistol with realistic firing sound.” Yes, I certainly would be the talk of the town for some time to come.
6 sets of Garbage Pail Kids cards
With each set having dozens of cards a piece, I could not only be a completist / collector, but also a hobbyist in the wide world of GPK card collecting. I’d have pictures of small children turning into dinosaurs, with witty names. Others would have atomic clouds above their heads. Still more would be surrounded by pain and misery, brining nothing but pure nostalgic joy to all those who gaze upon them. Sadly there would be no traders in this lot. Only full sets, as each card in placed, gingerly, in its plastic protective sheet.
31 Blue Jays tickets
Thirty one chances to watch the boys in blue lose in the bottom of the ninth, failing due to an aging pitching staff and a poor showing in the offensive lineup. More importantly, though, it would offer me thirty one chances to yell, scream, and pretend to be part of something larger than myself. Also – with my track record of winning the “Fan of the Game” contest twice (proving to be more obnoxious than over twenty thousand other people) I might also walk away with another years supply of lottery tickets. That only produced five dollars in actual winnings. The cheque was never cashed. Damn.
4 nights in Vegas
A four night trip to Las Vegas could have been mine, but no – I needed a rain jacket. Something to keep me dry and comfortable for a year. Sure, that sounds like a great trade off in the long run, but I’ve found it’s always best to think short term. In, being Las Vegas, little bits of money could become more money. People always gain money when they gamble in Vegas right? That’s why there are so many casinos operating, yes? They act as public charity houses?
53 packages of Bacon Flavoured Dental Floss
Fifty! Three! Packages! Fifty three packages of anything is exciting, but fifty three packages of something bacon flavoured? Now we’re in the wonder zone. Imagine having brushed your teeth, your mouth sadly missing the flavour of pork rinds crumbled on your pulled pork sandwich, enjoyed with a side of mouth watering baby back pork ribs. Your tongue would crave the attention of more pig-flavoured goodness, but your teeth, fearful of gingivitis would protest. No longer need those two worlds stand opposed.
100 comic books
One hundred comic books. Two thousand four hundred pages of paneled art, interconnected in such a way that a cohesive and connected story could emerge. Why, I could splurge on the entire 100 Bullets series. Hours of reading entertainment at my fingertips, creating a web of deceit and urban exploitation all from behind the safety net that is the recycled-paper fourth wall.
16 Glow-in-the-Dark Ouija Boards
With sixteen Ouija boards that not only profess to contact the nether realms, but also glow in the dark, thirty two people could engage in extra-spiritual communication. A virtual light show of pale green auras would shine through the night, provided they were given enough time to charge under any household lamp. For quick fixes, flashlights can be used to supercharge specific areas. Full glow will not be in effect in these supplemental cases.
0.0001% of an Abandoned Missile silo
That’s right, with you chipping in with only ten thousand of your closest friends, you can be the proud owner of a decommissioned Missile silo. Sure, some people will have traveled the world a dozen times over. Others may have taken the chance to tour space in a commercial vehicle. More might have gone crazy and bought thirty million gumballs. But no, you will rest safe and secure in your (again, shared with only ten thousand of your closest friends) brand new missile silo. With any luck, the sucker will be nuclear. Then you, even without the Ouija board, can glow-in-the-dark.
You know, looking back on that list? I think I made the right choice. Sure some of these things would be nice – but when I’m freezing in the desert, or searching through my pack at night, or even fighting a monsoon in who knows where… what would all those Garbage Pail Kids cards really have to offer me?
[note: all images were discovered on http://search.creativecommons.org/ ]