Saturday, October 3, 2009

The Monster Under My Bed

I have never heard such god awful noises before. I have never had such an annoying snorer. I have never wanted to kill someone before in my life, to this degree. I have never pictured a Sweeny Todd type murder, where the blood seeps all the way to the end of the fine white linen. But thou shalt not suffer a monster to live!

For over an hour the snoring, and the noise, and the monstrous sounds roarer, and thundered, and drove me insane. An hour of the loudest cycle of snores you've ever heard. There were the cartoonesque Fred Flintstone snores that seemed to move the sheet on top of him. There was the Pi pi pi pi pi noises as he went through another cycles. Then there were one or two minutes of silence where you hoped, you prayed, he was dead. But no! The cycle returned, and the beast was back. And you – could – not – sleep.

I have been hosteling for a month now. I understand that people make noises in the night. Not like this. This was not human. This was a troll drunk off its face, after challenging Thor to the 100 minute club. This was a dragon passed out, unaware that a fat little hobbitses has seen its weak spot. This is the worst thing imaginable. A foghorn that blasts, not consistently so you can tune it out, but that cycles at random.

Kill the pig, slit its throat, drink its blood. And all the children rejoiced.

Except the one with glasses. He didn't fare so well.

And then in one of those two minute cycles, you almost drift off. Only to have a second sleeper begin to snore aloud! This one, you could wake up by ringing your alarm over its face, but the other was to be unstoppable. In one of those two minute silences you pass out.

But an hour later, you re-awake to the god awful noise. Then this happens again. And you think – this god awful thing was asleep at 8pm, it must get up some time. But no! Six am it is still there, still making the god damn racket that it was all those hours ago. But then it's gone. From six to seven you have peace. And life is good. And you sleep.

Effin' creature checked out today. Life can return to normal. The world is right and fine again. Thank the maker, thank the maker.

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